Duality

When I was pregnant I felt as if my autism was in remission. I wasn't myself. It was like I was on the outside looking in and someone else was living my life for the duration of the pregnancy and the entire year following childbirth.

Could that indicate that there is some sort of cure? Could an abundance of hormones hit a reset button and make your sensory integration shortcomings disappear? I don't know, but this phenomenon is an oddity of sorts. I had no tactile issues during these times until suddenly I did about a year postpartum with my second child. My hormones had nullified my aversions, which I guess was a good thing since babies crave tactile stimulation. But so do children, and I knew how much it hurt them and how much it still does when I cannot provide that.

I'm not suggesting self-induced hormone inbalances to treat autism, because I did not enjoy either of my pregnancies and that postpartum period. Maybe it's the control freak in me, but the feeling of waking up and realizing five years had passed and you now have these two strange creatures that are apparently your responsibility is scary and I don't want to live through that again. I would rather remember my days and not feel as if someone else is pushing my buttons and making my decisions for me.