Throwing Rocks.

I tried very hard to be friends with the kids in my neighborhood, four of which were my cousins, and four or so others living within a hundred yards as well. I really only followed them around (mostly the girls), observing, mimicking, assimilating, trying to learn to be like them so that I could not only be their friends but to make friends at school as well. They weren't necessarily popular but as far as neighborhood cliques go, I very much found the breaks from solitude appealing and somewhat more comforting than those at school considering that half of the playmates were family. Family is an entirely different entity than the classmates who were unpredictable and mean. Not to say I wouldn't prefer the solitude, but there are only so many things you can do outside, by yourself, even with an unlimited imagination. My mother had always "encouraged" me to go outside. I think because I was pretty much an only child (my brother and sister are 13 years my elder) my constant pestering for her to be my playmate (adults were far more appealing than children to me) had something to do with this encouragement. Especially when the "soaps" were on I spent a lot of time outside.

So, I would go find my cousins, and follow them and the neighbors around to see what they were doing when I would grow bored of my alone play. Most of the time I was ignored, threatened and even attacked before I realized that these kids were not my friends and never would be. I had my bike tire slashed, kids would shoot beebees at my house, eventually I got the picture. The last time I recall playing with them was when the message was as clear as rocks flying at my face, I ran from their yard with blood and tears streaming down.

Rocks are now words. I don't see them coming, I don't comprehend what they are supposed to mean but they hit me none the less.

I am a slave to the autism. I feel on the outside of it all pretty much all the time. All kinds of jokes I don't get, things that most can read between the lines just slip through the cracks for me. I'm so sick of not having a clue what is going on around me or what is expected of me thanks to this. The thing that is the hardest is that I have no control over it and no way I can see of preventing it.