Excessive Force without the Trauma

The only way to effectively learn socialization skills is to jump in and just do it. I hate the feeling in my stomach, the gnawing knot of constant irritation which I feel each and every time I make eye contact, or even when I try to avoid it because someone else is gazing straight at me. But there are things I just need to accomplish and I cannot take any more time off to search for myself and avoiding what’s inevitable. I’m throwing myself out there. Starting now.

Today I sat down on a towel-like looking blanket spread across the grass which had alternating stripes of yellow, green, and fuchsia that captured my interest. I tried not to stare at it too much, not to analyze the pattern like I wanted to do. I made some eye contact as I sat next to the person who I have been steadily forcing conversation upon, and struggled to find things to say or acceptable things to look at other than eyes. Usually I rehearse things a little more…I decide where I will sit, who I will talk to, what I could say and what I can look at or distract myself with when I cannot remember any of these things. But the need to do this has decreased dramatically and things have been actually going quite well for me. I have chosen to socialize somewhat exclusively with other parents from my church. Those people that seem inherently kind, are good role models, and are constant in my life. They make me feel….good. And happy.

This Saturday is a “coming out” party of sorts for myself. I chose one of the less annoying types of direct selling (Lia Sophia jewelry) to take some of the focus off of me, but I have to say with every RSVP I get, I get more ridiculously excited that people actually like me. This is more than I could have ever hoped for…