Games

I spent much of my time around those who did not push me away just to learn from them. Older cousins, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers were pretty accommodating….perhaps they never realized the differences in me. Honestly I preferred their companionship and couldn’t understand why I had to interact with those my age outside of the structure of the classroom. Some were friendly, encouraging, some thought of me as a project.

Those who did not push me away become my objects of observation. I had heroes and villains in my life, although I did not always know the difference until it was too late.

One such person was Hillary. Hillary was so very interesting. She was funny, outgoing, and had no problem making friends. However when she grew bored with her life she decided it was time to wreak havoc on others. I was probably third in line subject to her malice, but for some reason no one ever really talked about what she was done or what she was capable of, so she came to me without warning.

I was 11 years old when she convinced me to run away from home. I don’t even remember what she said to convince me to go with her, but looking back it was just another game she played to keep herself occupied. Autistics are in a peculiar position, not really being able to lie themselves, they cannot easily see another’s lies. This can make us very gullible. Furthermore, we can seem so mature with our adult-like language and analytical skills that parents tend to not worry about any possibility of irresponsibility. The lies she told and the manipulation she had over me had me wandering our small town at 3 in the morning on numerous occasions before this last incident…against all my better judgment because at that age you really don’t have any.

Closure brings itself to your door very rarely, but when that happens I think it's more for their benefit then yours and can be entirely selfish. Reiterating how much you've changed doesn't change the fact that what's done is done and it cannot be changed no matter who you are now. Thinking you can leave a mess in the wake of your tornado-like existence, ruining everything you touch and then saying sorry is not going to pick up the pieces. 15 years is a long, LONG time to contemplate all of what has happened and you cannot undo it at your will.