(V for) Vendetta

I was 19 when I found the love of my life…and also when I had found for myself a mortal enemy bent on destroying me. It came from the most unlikely of places…

Six years later, an image burned in my brain as my to-be husband and I were at our rehearsal dinner, at the altar practicing our vows and I looked out to see her back to me. Her face turned to the side, fidgeting in the pew and looking anywhere but at the front of the church with a look of annoyance blatant and obvious. Even up to the day before, she didn’t want this to happen.

Fast forward to now. Why don’t I ever get invited to anything? Why are there plans for parties and showers and things that never reach my ears? Why is it I have never met his family other than the immediate grandmother, aunt or uncle? Apparently I sat right next to members of his family to the one thing I did get invited to and never had a clue. Are people too ashamed to acknowledge me?

I’ll admit I’m a loose cannon. You never know what to expect from me…neither do I really. Due to events beyond my control, I have been permanently placed on the defense…my way of trying to prevent the repetition of pain. The source of this pain is constant, throughout my entire life I have been ostracized and belittled, and until recently everyone claimed to be blind to it. My defensive nature I think made others assume I was partially to blame. I don’t know and I really don’t care anymore: there’s no reason to point fingers back in time. Can you blame Dr. Jekyll for Mr. Hyde?

I hit the reset button when I accepted the diagnosis…but so many others are slow to reset it themselves and get to know who I really am. That is, who I am when I’m not on the defense. I have found forgiveness from many people I never dreamed possible, many things for which I have found atonement. Yet there are so many others out there that do not care to atone and forgive. How hard this is to let go.