My Rock My God.

I miss a lot of things in my life due to this invisible condition I have, that most people like to pretend doesn’t exist. I missed my son’s kindergarten graduation today…and as I sat completely torn apart, unable to move to the door, I was growing more angry with myself by the minute. Writhing in pain of my inability to shake off fear and illness, I felt worthless. I cried a mountain of tears in frustration and mental anguish. How can I let myself freeze like this when I am so obviously needed? Do I not have an instinct that overrides all other conditions?

But I know how it is when I push myself too far. I would rather not let myself be consumed and turn into something I cannot control. I have worked so hard to cast off all that sensory irritation by preventative measures no one could even begin to imagine. I only want to be a good mother where I can use that soft voice and not feel the need to push them away when they become affectionate. When I quit listening to that optimistic voice in my head saying “You can do this!” my life got so much better. Their lives got so much better. It is better to recognize when I can’t do this. It is better on a myriad of levels.

Desperate, not wanting to let my son down twice in one day, I tried to push myself and find some sort of rock to hold onto so that I could do what was needed to be done. For autistics, we need for ourselves a support system. Mine is heavily dependent on my husband who can be the constant thing when everything else is changing and overwhelming. Luckily, I am no longer too proud to admit when I need help and my help arrived so that I could be the mother I wanted to be today. Proud and happy with tears in my eyes as my son danced across that stage like he was the only one there. And I was the only one watching. It was a moment I am so thankful for God to have given me the chance to make new friends that can help me be the mother I want to be and accept myself for who I am...even if I cannot sit alone in that audience.