Heavy

When I got my first job at Sears when I was 16, I was a mess. My lack of communication skills and inability to interpret any form of communication correctly left me mostly alone. Luckily stock replenishment didn't demand that much by the way of communication skills, nor contact. Every morning at 6 am I would walk into the dark, crisp early morning summer air and into the special side entrance to start my day. Until the store opened at 10 I would count, sort, stock, fill, and rearrange product in mostly sweet solitude. I had the occasional question from a coworker or "check-in" from my boss.

My boss was really something else....a short lady with a quick tongue and a sun-weathered face that didn't carry much expression. Her eyes always seemed beady, angry, and completely unavoidable with her dark hair cropped so short there was nowhere for them to hide. She would speak to me and I would avoid those eyes, letting my eyes rest above on her imp0ssible hair, which was generally styled in a precise disarray that resembled still cotton. What her face lacked in expression, her voice and attitude made up for tenfold, startling you back to her eyes when she spoke. She was loud and intimidating, with a crooked mouth and a quick temper. I hated her for constantly belittling and insulting me with her backhanded compliments and straight forward insults. I now realize I needed to know how others perceived me by my silence, lack of eye contact and nervous, monotone replies. Perhaps not in such an abusive manner, but I needed to know how others really saw me, as defensive and sometimes rude. It became a continuation of the isolation and pain that I felt during my school years, and I just wanted her to accept me like I wanted my classmates to accept me all those years. Ironically she never noticed that it was really a reflection of herself as I mimicked her social skills, reflecting her quick tongue and attitude back to her.

Lately I feel so weighed down. No amount of social coaching can help me transition from professional to personal relationships. I feel a personal relationship with so many people at work, but that is a road I should not go down. Aspies are not good at gray areas, and making friends with those you are associated with professionally is a huge gray area. I try to lessen the burden by finding and adding friends to facebook that I "network" with through church and work (which is essentially the same). I still find myself confused by the direction some of this effort is going. All I can do is ignore it, essentially. I hope my boss continues to support me because sometimes I feel like quitting. I don't want to quit, but I feel like quitting because the social demands of the parents are so much. That's completely my autism getting in the way. I will probably look weak for saying that, but I should say what I feel and not simply ignore it. I don't need to lie to myself or to anyone else. I also feel God gave me this opportunity for a reason, and for once I am listening to him and following the path he has mapped out for me.