More Than You Think You Are

    So I have worked for a nonprofit business who provides social coaching to adults on the autism spectrum and/or have cognitive impairments.  Basically anyone socially awkward, like I used to be and I still am sometimes.  I actually took the class for three semesters; I'm the success story they use. 
    I love it.  I feel respected and appreciated...two things I have never felt working anywhere.  I push myself very hard too....I conduct social outings and host a Friday night social hour for everyone in the program.  During the summer I bump the social nights up to twice a week with a bowling league.  I feel like I have a lot of friends and have an impact on others' lives.  But I also hate it.  It's an obligation where if I'm not feeling up to socializing, I still have to do it.  Kind of like being a parent and all the obligations that go with it-moms don't get sick days and neither do social mentors.  Luckily I've been able to work through my anxiety and have never felt like a failure after the outings.  I'm not infallible though, and sometimes it hurts to realize that.
    One of the days this past week when I picked my kids up from school, some other parents were at the playground.  I haven't always felt respected in parent circles...not only because I'm autistic and sometimes awkward, but also because I am overweight.  Walking up to a group of skinny parents, one of which is a public figure who sometimes talks about fitness and diet, made me very nervous.  I've been avoiding a lot of contact with this particular group because I tend to receive a lot of unwarranted advice about my weight.  It seems people collate obesity with lack of intelligence.  Luckily, the rehearsed quippy lines gained some laughs and the conversation didn't last long enough to touch on any uncomfortable subjects because they had to leave. 
   Yesterday I saw one set of parents from the playground group at a birthday party which ended up running over by about an hour.  I was really hoping to execute an in and out maneuver at pick up but ended up waiting outside the party with them and my other son.  The last thing I wanted was to socialize with anyone, I was sooo not mentally prepared for it.  The father was the fitness guru I had been intimidated about and the mother was very social and very popular with the other parents at school.  I had been building some repertoire with the mother over the past year, volunteering at the kids' school where she also had been working for the five years we've gone there.  She talked me into playing glow golf as we waited.  I hate golf but she was very persuasive and charismatic and of course Eli wanted to do it as well.  The first ten minutes were incredibly awkward but by the end things were going a lot more smoothly.  I was able to engage in a lot of reciprocal conversation and even felt like we could all be friends.  I was shocked when she told me she thought I was outgoing.  I couldn't even remember what we were talking about or how that came up or what happened after that.  This person who I had been admiring for five years and even modeling a bit when socializing thought I was outgoing. 
   Put yourself out there.  No matter how awkward you feel.  Ten  minutes of torture may yield you no more awkwardness.  You might realize people aren't noticing what you think is as obvious as words written on your forehead.  When you think people regard you as 'less than' you will be surprised to know they think exactly the opposite.  You are 'more than' you think you are.