Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I think you have Asperger's.

My sons were aged one and three when I started to realize something wasn't normal with me.  I was angry and nauseous almost all the time.  I tried to convince the doctor I was pregnant again (even though I had a tubal ligation during the same surgery for which I gave birth to my younger son and that was not possible).  Many tests and appointments later I had the names and phone numbers for psychologists I was never going to call.  I was too proud to call and to proud too acknowledge how intensely the anger suddenly flashed across me whenever my kids touched me.   I thought it was likely postpartum depression and would eventually pass.  As time went on, it took me longer and longer to calm down after each time I felt angry.  It was not getting better.  I decided to make the call when I had to start locking myself in a room to prevent them from touching me.  I told him why I was calling and my story detailing everything I was trying to ignore, and he replied, "I think you have Asperger's syndrome". 
Knowing you have something does not instantly make your life better, but it helps.  Sometime after my older son began attending preschool.  I was lost yet again trying to navigate the social demands of school and the parents of the other children.  I knew I needed more than just the medicine the psychologist gave me, I needed help knowing what to say to these people.  Through local resources, I found ASPPIRE and began taking social coaching classes in 2009 (about two years after I learned about my diagnosis).  After having not one friend and living in the same city for ten years, I made friends.  I wasn't the awkward woman standing in the hallway waiting to pickup my son while avoiding eye contact with everyone and staring at the wall.  I was able to make friends both inside and outside of my son's school.   I even joined a few different organizations to keep me socially busy so that I could continue to grow and succeed.
When I look back over my life, I realize how miserable and alone I was for many, many years.  If I had never found ASPPIRE I would still be in that dark place, struggling against myself.  Struggling just to function.  ASPPIRE taught me what to say, how to say it, how to deal with the anxieties I was too proud to admit I had, and so much more.  I have grown so much through the program I want to help others do the same.