Throwing Rocks.

I tried very hard to be friends with the kids in my neighborhood, four of which were my cousins, and four or so others living within a hundred yards as well. I really only followed them around (mostly the girls), observing, mimicking, assimilating, trying to learn to be like them so that I could not only be their friends but to make friends at school as well. They weren't necessarily popular but as far as neighborhood cliques go, I very much found the breaks from solitude appealing and somewhat more comforting than those at school considering that half of the playmates were family. Family is an entirely different entity than the classmates who were unpredictable and mean. Not to say I wouldn't prefer the solitude, but there are only so many things you can do outside, by yourself, even with an unlimited imagination. My mother had always "encouraged" me to go outside. I think because I was pretty much an only child (my brother and sister are 13 years my elder) my constant pestering for her to be my playmate (adults were far more appealing than children to me) had something to do with this encouragement. Especially when the "soaps" were on I spent a lot of time outside.

So, I would go find my cousins, and follow them and the neighbors around to see what they were doing when I would grow bored of my alone play. Most of the time I was ignored, threatened and even attacked before I realized that these kids were not my friends and never would be. I had my bike tire slashed, kids would shoot beebees at my house, eventually I got the picture. The last time I recall playing with them was when the message was as clear as rocks flying at my face, I ran from their yard with blood and tears streaming down.

Rocks are now words. I don't see them coming, I don't comprehend what they are supposed to mean but they hit me none the less.

I am a slave to the autism. I feel on the outside of it all pretty much all the time. All kinds of jokes I don't get, things that most can read between the lines just slip through the cracks for me. I'm so sick of not having a clue what is going on around me or what is expected of me thanks to this. The thing that is the hardest is that I have no control over it and no way I can see of preventing it.

Sadness and Panic

Time just slips away so quickly. I constantly find myself brooding on whether or not I’m paying enough attention, giving enough hugs, or doing enough of what they wish me to do. What pains me so is when I hear my words reverberated back to me as I did just yesterday. “I don’t want to be touched right now,” Ian says. I say that. I try to be open and honest and tell my kids what autism is and what it means to me, but having it thrown back in my face like that-it’s an entirely different kind of pain. Now I feel inadequate and low. I can’t possibly ever do enough or be enough with this hanging like a raincloud over my head following me everywhere I go. Countless times Ian asks to see his friends, go somewhere, do something, and I just can’t. I know I have created this aversion in myself in response to my social shortcomings but I know how I am and I know how people see me by how they treat me. It’s torturous. I don’t fancy myself a hermit but I do avoid a lot of places where there is a lot of people, or noise, or sun. I don’t need to exacerbate my inability to function by adding more sensory issues. I just wish this was easier for me.

Insomnia

There are nights when I don't sleep very much and others where I make up for it. I can't pinpoint a pattern but I know I feel better when I add that pressure with a weighted blanket.

Hyposensitivity vs. Hypersensitivity

A lot of things go unnoticed, or undiagnosed because they do not seem to fit a cookie cutter definition of someone with autism. What we do not hear much about is the hyposensitive side of sensory integration disorders. Just as much as one person with autism can repel touching (that's me) there is another that craves it (that's my son). I had always wondered why the disparity until I started researching the descriptions of sensory processing disorder (which seems like a cut and dry view of autism). Check this out:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

Interestingly for me, I really thought everyone had the same issues-that it was normal. I think the more I research the more I learn and I encourage anyone to do the same, on the spectrum or not.

Duality

When I was pregnant I felt as if my autism was in remission. I wasn't myself. It was like I was on the outside looking in and someone else was living my life for the duration of the pregnancy and the entire year following childbirth.

Could that indicate that there is some sort of cure? Could an abundance of hormones hit a reset button and make your sensory integration shortcomings disappear? I don't know, but this phenomenon is an oddity of sorts. I had no tactile issues during these times until suddenly I did about a year postpartum with my second child. My hormones had nullified my aversions, which I guess was a good thing since babies crave tactile stimulation. But so do children, and I knew how much it hurt them and how much it still does when I cannot provide that.

I'm not suggesting self-induced hormone inbalances to treat autism, because I did not enjoy either of my pregnancies and that postpartum period. Maybe it's the control freak in me, but the feeling of waking up and realizing five years had passed and you now have these two strange creatures that are apparently your responsibility is scary and I don't want to live through that again. I would rather remember my days and not feel as if someone else is pushing my buttons and making my decisions for me.