The Art of Self Loathing

I had spent 14 hours in bed from the night before to the next day, that’s when I knew things were getting worse. I hastily dressed and left the house before any of those self-defeating thoughts returned from the vacation sleep had provided to their distracting residence in my thoughts.

I meandered around the zoo, blindly following my children and avoiding the obtrusive sunlight. It was a distraction but still I remained melancholy and disinterested. Usually the zoo is peaceful and empty at the times we choose to visit, but even the small crowds brought by the uncharacteristically balmy weather (for March in Michigan) made it seem overwhelming. Before leaving, we visited the playground outside the gates, where I sat on a bench and watched everyone else in progress of living their lives, all of which seemed loads better than mine from where I sat. The sadness abruptly returned and I became regretful and depressed.

Parents were laughing, taking pictures, and encouraging their children down the slides. Another was by the swings pushing their child, who was clearly having a tantrum, but they seemed to take no notice. I wanted to shout that I didn’t care how much more time his sister had on the swing and to get off if he couldn’t handle it. He was eight, probably autistic, but he wasn’t getting any sympathy from me. Instead I kept my mouth closed tight and tried not to stare too long in his direction, absorbing myself in the lives I was wishing I was living at the moment. I longed for things that were impossible based on the decisions I had made in the past.

My children are getting older and I am finding it difficult to connect with them more. I avoid playing with them, talking to them and touching them. When I think about these things, I feel incredibly inadequate. I retroactively review things in my mind that I should have done different. When my child looked miserable with illness why did I not sit by his side comforting him and stroke his hair as they do in the movies? Why don’t I kiss them goodnight or goodbye? It’s not always like this, I know. When I’m stuck with these feelings, that seems to be all I remember and I cannot shake myself from dwelling on these thoughts. I hope this passes quickly, it’s not like me to be so ungrateful and regretful.