This is Not Me

After a friend informed me he didn't want to read my blog because by doing so he would thereby be tainting whatever perception he had of me I took a look back. These blogs are about who I was...not who I am. Look back ten years, are you the same person? I hope not. I don't want to rewind ten years...I was selfish and petty. If I could rewind with my brain retaining all of the knowledge I have gathered these 30 years I would go back and do a hell of a lot more with my time, wouldn’t we all?

I look into the past because it’s interesting to me. I’m objective. Maybe it’s not interesting to others because they are subjective and make assumptions related to my posts. Not to sound conceited, but it’s their loss if they do.

Heavy

When I got my first job at Sears when I was 16, I was a mess. My lack of communication skills and inability to interpret any form of communication correctly left me mostly alone. Luckily stock replenishment didn't demand that much by the way of communication skills, nor contact. Every morning at 6 am I would walk into the dark, crisp early morning summer air and into the special side entrance to start my day. Until the store opened at 10 I would count, sort, stock, fill, and rearrange product in mostly sweet solitude. I had the occasional question from a coworker or "check-in" from my boss.

My boss was really something else....a short lady with a quick tongue and a sun-weathered face that didn't carry much expression. Her eyes always seemed beady, angry, and completely unavoidable with her dark hair cropped so short there was nowhere for them to hide. She would speak to me and I would avoid those eyes, letting my eyes rest above on her imp0ssible hair, which was generally styled in a precise disarray that resembled still cotton. What her face lacked in expression, her voice and attitude made up for tenfold, startling you back to her eyes when she spoke. She was loud and intimidating, with a crooked mouth and a quick temper. I hated her for constantly belittling and insulting me with her backhanded compliments and straight forward insults. I now realize I needed to know how others perceived me by my silence, lack of eye contact and nervous, monotone replies. Perhaps not in such an abusive manner, but I needed to know how others really saw me, as defensive and sometimes rude. It became a continuation of the isolation and pain that I felt during my school years, and I just wanted her to accept me like I wanted my classmates to accept me all those years. Ironically she never noticed that it was really a reflection of herself as I mimicked her social skills, reflecting her quick tongue and attitude back to her.

Lately I feel so weighed down. No amount of social coaching can help me transition from professional to personal relationships. I feel a personal relationship with so many people at work, but that is a road I should not go down. Aspies are not good at gray areas, and making friends with those you are associated with professionally is a huge gray area. I try to lessen the burden by finding and adding friends to facebook that I "network" with through church and work (which is essentially the same). I still find myself confused by the direction some of this effort is going. All I can do is ignore it, essentially. I hope my boss continues to support me because sometimes I feel like quitting. I don't want to quit, but I feel like quitting because the social demands of the parents are so much. That's completely my autism getting in the way. I will probably look weak for saying that, but I should say what I feel and not simply ignore it. I don't need to lie to myself or to anyone else. I also feel God gave me this opportunity for a reason, and for once I am listening to him and following the path he has mapped out for me.

my world is not right.

I haven't been writing much. There are lots of errant thoughts in my head, mostly riddled with bitterness and jealousy but nothing really of consequence. What I have come to realize is that I really wish I had a stronger family support system, comparable to those I have and see at church. I wish I had a stronger marriage. I think if more people in my life believed and loved God then perhaps it would be easier to be around them...and not feel so shunned or cast aside. As a result, I’ve been feeling inadequate lately. These negative thoughts need to just go on vacation.

I obtained employment, and a crisp piece of paper indicating I am learn-ed. I have to say I have a new respect for teachers. I love my job, but watching 13 kids is incredibly taxing.

Putting Them First

God gives me signs.

As eager as I am to get things rolling with my pending graduation (September 15), I think I need to slow down. I had planned to get another job to complement the aftercare position at my son's school (where I can spend time with both of my children instead of getting a "real" job and missing them the entire time) when Eli is gone in the mornings to preschool. Moving on with my goals, I've been relentlessly stalking the local library system for any job with 20 or less hours per week so that I could get my foot in the door. Once I graduate I don't want to waste my time sitting idle.

However, Friday I got called into Eli's summer camp at the YMCA to come get him because they couldn't calm him down. They said he kept saying "I want my mama".

Want or need? Who should judge if it is a want or a need, and if it is only a want is it that horrible to give him what he wants just in case it was what he really needed the whole time?

As it stands, plans for fall include 5 days a week in a preschool class for autistic children in Lansing, and that's a lot for a four-year old. He attended this class for four months of the school year this last year, most days. If he wants to stay home, I will let him-just like I did last Spring. But If he comes back with one bruise on him (as often happens with special needs children), he's out. I have zero tolerance for that bull#@$% and I get emotional when I read stories involving murder, rape and abuse of autistic children. I need the freedom to be able to support him how he needs to be supported and be vigilant to prevent any of this from happening.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not sure what to do, that I'm making too many excuses and not doing enough. But then I get that sign. And I know that it's God's will, and not my indecision or haste getting in the way.

The Scapegoat...

Parents get so angry about the disorder their children cannot help having and reacting to. Do you know what it feels like to be a teenager or adult with autism? I do. I’ll tell you all about it. I am autism. It is in my genetic code, in my blood. When someone is angry at autism for the inconvenience it places on their life, and it does, in fact, place a huge inconvenience, how do you think the person with autism feels? Well, you are angry at them. They are the problem. They feel guilty and lonely and sad. They are the living embodiment of a scapegoat. It isn’t vaccines, hormones, or the economic condition. It is in the DNA. You are angry at something they cannot help being. It’s like being angry at the color of your skin, or at a tic. And yes, I have tics. I kick and flail my arm. Haven’t seen it? I’m too busy hiding what inconveniences everyone else….busy wrapping my life around others to be convenient. Do you want autism to rule your child’s life? Stop forcing them to accommodate you. Accept them, let go of the anger, and do what you do with love. I’m not advocating for no treatment. Everyone needs therapy. I have flourished and with various therapies both structured and unstructured of my own rendering. Some people cannot even tell at times that I am autistic. But is that to appease them or myself I now wonder?

Excessive Force without the Trauma

The only way to effectively learn socialization skills is to jump in and just do it. I hate the feeling in my stomach, the gnawing knot of constant irritation which I feel each and every time I make eye contact, or even when I try to avoid it because someone else is gazing straight at me. But there are things I just need to accomplish and I cannot take any more time off to search for myself and avoiding what’s inevitable. I’m throwing myself out there. Starting now.

Today I sat down on a towel-like looking blanket spread across the grass which had alternating stripes of yellow, green, and fuchsia that captured my interest. I tried not to stare at it too much, not to analyze the pattern like I wanted to do. I made some eye contact as I sat next to the person who I have been steadily forcing conversation upon, and struggled to find things to say or acceptable things to look at other than eyes. Usually I rehearse things a little more…I decide where I will sit, who I will talk to, what I could say and what I can look at or distract myself with when I cannot remember any of these things. But the need to do this has decreased dramatically and things have been actually going quite well for me. I have chosen to socialize somewhat exclusively with other parents from my church. Those people that seem inherently kind, are good role models, and are constant in my life. They make me feel….good. And happy.

This Saturday is a “coming out” party of sorts for myself. I chose one of the less annoying types of direct selling (Lia Sophia jewelry) to take some of the focus off of me, but I have to say with every RSVP I get, I get more ridiculously excited that people actually like me. This is more than I could have ever hoped for…