Tuesday, July 17, 2012
What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
Monday, March 19, 2012
Rules of Engagement.
I know when I'm acting too autistic based on their responses...and that's when I need to move my eye brows, inflect my voice, soften my stance and act as nuerotypical as possible. On top of all that, I need to think of what words sound less aggressive and what will get my point across most efficiently. No wonder why its so exhausting. This is why we need social coaching, so we don't mentally break down after each five minute conversation. I have a headache now :(.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Art of Self Loathing
I had spent 14 hours in bed from the night before to the next day, that’s when I knew things were getting worse. I hastily dressed and left the house before any of those self-defeating thoughts returned from the vacation sleep had provided to their distracting residence in my thoughts.
I meandered around the zoo, blindly following my children and avoiding the obtrusive sunlight. It was a distraction but still I remained melancholy and disinterested. Usually the zoo is peaceful and empty at the times we choose to visit, but even the small crowds brought by the uncharacteristically balmy weather (for March in Michigan) made it seem overwhelming. Before leaving, we visited the playground outside the gates, where I sat on a bench and watched everyone else in progress of living their lives, all of which seemed loads better than mine from where I sat. The sadness abruptly returned and I became regretful and depressed.
Parents were laughing, taking pictures, and encouraging their children down the slides. Another was by the swings pushing their child, who was clearly having a tantrum, but they seemed to take no notice. I wanted to shout that I didn’t care how much more time his sister had on the swing and to get off if he couldn’t handle it. He was eight, probably autistic, but he wasn’t getting any sympathy from me. Instead I kept my mouth closed tight and tried not to stare too long in his direction, absorbing myself in the lives I was wishing I was living at the moment. I longed for things that were impossible based on the decisions I had made in the past.
My children are getting older and I am finding it difficult to connect with them more. I avoid playing with them, talking to them and touching them. When I think about these things, I feel incredibly inadequate. I retroactively review things in my mind that I should have done different. When my child looked miserable with illness why did I not sit by his side comforting him and stroke his hair as they do in the movies? Why don’t I kiss them goodnight or goodbye? It’s not always like this, I know. When I’m stuck with these feelings, that seems to be all I remember and I cannot shake myself from dwelling on these thoughts. I hope this passes quickly, it’s not like me to be so ungrateful and regretful.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Oh, Mother
My mother sat back in her recliner, red faced and sobbing. Her body leaned to the right as she rested her elbow on the arm of the chair, her hand firmly pressed against her temple and forehead, shielding her eyes as if she was trying to hide them or divulge a secret to an invisible confidant. Her other hand was at her hip, and her shoulder jerked toward her chin with each sob. I could tell that she was trying to fight the tears that were streaming down her face. But I couldn’t understand why. She won. She won and I lost. She looked pitiful and I hated her because she won.
I watched her cry, perplexed, as the side of my face throbbed from the slap she had dealt me. I was silenced with that winning blow, but yet she seemed to be the one suffering the most. What had I done this time? Does it matter? Does anyone deserve to be forced to play such games where no one ever really wins? What a cruel experiment this was to become.
Fast forward a few years, where my hatred has combined with years of loneliness on the playground and being thrown into my own personal hell, junior high. My mother couldn’t hit me anymore for insubordination, so I took advantage and tortured her for the next eight years. She cried a lot and I pretended not to care. She would try to talk to me but I wouldn’t even look at her. When she would ask me a question, I would reply with ‘What?’ as if I hadn’t heard her. Every time she asked a question. Every time she repeated that question. She would get angry and throw the feet up on the recliner, tucking her arms into the sides of the chair beside her body while staring at the TV with malice. I could tell she wanted to strike, but she didn’t dare because at eleven years old I was five foot four inches and almost as tall as she.
When I was fifteen I had a job and soon after a car. When I turned sixteen I got a better job and when I was seventeen a better car. I had money and did whatever I wanted, and what I wanted was to avoid home as much as possible. Sometimes I would stay out until two in the morning, even though I had school the next day. When I was nineteen and in college I would go out until two, drink, drive home, and get up for work at five. I was making bad decisions and because of the distance I put between my mother and myself, no one ever told me.
When I was 23 I had my first child and I needed my mother more than ever. Still unable to forgive her, I began mending that relationship. When I was 26 I had my second child, I needed her less but wanted her more. I eventually learned how to forgive her, and that is the greatest gift I have ever received. To let go of all that hatred and have that weight lifted off my shoulders, thank you, God.